she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
