I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
