Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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