im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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