We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
