I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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