When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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