he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
