Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
