did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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