very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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