I want you more than these girls want KFC
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
