I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We are two peas in an std pod
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
