I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
