Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
