saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
