I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Are we still banned from the library?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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