Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
