I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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