I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
