New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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