so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
