Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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