Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
