I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
