I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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