You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
time to smoke my breakfast
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
