Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
