It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
