Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
