I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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