Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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