Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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