I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The Olympian is in my bed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
