i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
