So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
