I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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