The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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