dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
