So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
