I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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