I just pynch a tree in the face
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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