Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
