I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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