tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
