Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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