sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
