i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
