if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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