if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
