I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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