My Higher Power is John Stamos
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Randomize
