i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
