is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's blow job season.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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