I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
